Resolutions

I put my back out at a trade show in Germany last week. It was an enlightening experience, being constantly preoccupied with the state of my physical being in a place I couldn’t retreat from, to recover privately. The pain removed me from the here and now, while plunking me firmly in it, like a Zen koan. I was so focused on interactions with the present, aware of every movement, every step, every twist and breath that I was unable to put up my usual defenses. I babbled at strangers, couldn’t conceal my nervous stutter, and worst of all, was bombarded with the psychic energy I’m normally quite good at blocking out.

The most blissful moments were spent walking slowly outside in the cold, alone and away from the anxious buzz of social pecking order and industry gossip. Away from the chattering birds, where I could just open my mind and let the cool silence in. I accepted every coffee or soup run I could just to get outside. And I know it sounds unlikely, but I was lucky enough to meet a yogi in the midst of all this, who said to me: we think ourselves into being.

I’ve been thinking for a while now about my new year’s resolution and how to put it into words. At first it was going to be something like “be more honest” – not because I tell lies, but because I’m not always true to myself. I become what I think is wanted, instead of standing firmly in my nature. Then I thought it should be something more like “be meaner”, because I’m too nice, too forgiving, too accepting, at my own emotional and physical expense, but I was kind of angry when I thought of that one. Now I’m thinking, simply, “be”.

It takes a lot to be yourself honestly. It takes a lot to let things pass, but ultimately it takes more energy to try to hang on. The yogi told me that the pain in my back was not physical but emotional, and he’s right. We think ourselves into being: my thoughts hold onto painful things so tightly that they break holes in me trying to escape. My spine gives out, my discs prolapse, I can hardly lift my feet; all the negative energy of the world comes pouring in through the cracks, and I literally hear alarm bells ringing in my ears. It’s time to open my being and let the breath out in one big Om right from the gut. The yogi told me, and my spine agrees, that it’s time to let go.

So here is my new year’s resolution: I am going to be. I’m going to try to let go of the things that are out of my control. I’m going to try to be true to my nature, even if that nature is kind of a socially inept loner most of the time. I’m going to do what I do, which is make art, and hope that people dig it. I know, it’s kind of underwhelming – not as flashy as quitting smoking or losing weight, but it works for me.